sweet surrender. blessed hope.

God is so good! I’ve often heard that the brightest dawns follow the darkest nights. I haven’t posted anything, lately, because I’ve been really down and lacking in creative energy. Yesterday was especially tough. I’m going to share a portion of my journal from last night and this morning. I think it probably shows my distress, but what I cannot communicate is the way He transformed my heart. I can only describe it as the breaking forth of the dawn. He lifted me to my feet, removed the heavy burden I had been carrying, cut through the fog, and infused me with the most incredible joy and peace that I could imagine, directly into my heart. At one point, I was so overwhelmed with joy, that I grabbed a Bethel College Chapel Band worship CD (“Eversing”). my blue, green, and yellow tie-died Discman, teal winter puffy coat, and ran outside to another missionary’s huge backyard where I could sing to my heart’s content. For over an hour, God gave me the sweetest time of worship and prayer, right in the middle of their volleyball court, surrounded by fruit trees and mandioca plants. It was so so so good. I’m sad to think that my words will never communicate my heart’s lightness. If you are experiencing a time of darkness, I pray that hearing of God’s faithfulness in my life can bring you a tiny bit of hope. Living underneath that cloud is awful. But He is there. He is there. He wants to free You. He is with you. Hold on until He breaks forth into your darkness and brings you into His glorious light. He will do it. I promise. He loves you and wants to lift you up. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. He’s coming soon.

Before reading, however, I must warn you that this entry contains some bad language. I'm really sorry if you're offended.

Sweet Surrender. Blessed Hope.
September 3-4, 2006

And God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. I have been sowing to both the Spirit and the flesh. I feed both. I want both. I’m scared of living without either. Life without Spirit means an eternity in hell. Mortification of the flesh means hell on earth. Feeding the flesh numbs the discomfort. I cry out to the Spirit, but embrace the flesh. I hope for the Spirit, but rely on the flesh. I ask to be filled with the Spirit. But I just don’t wanna be empty. Who really cares where the filling comes from? If it’s gonna be, it’s up to me, damn it, and the flesh is a hell of a lot more reliable. I know where (I determine that). I know when (I determine that). I know how much (I determine that). I know the results (law of diminishing returns). I know.

Do I want this knowledge? Did God really say you can’t eat from any of the trees in this garden? The cost is really high. But if it’s gonna be, it’s up to me… Right? Are there any alternatives? Yes. But it’s a costly and risky exchange. I can transfer the ultimate responsibility for my life from me to God. I can continue crying out to Him, hoping for Him, and asking for Him. And that’s it. If He doesn’t pull through, He doesn’t pull through. But He says He’ll pull through. Can I trust Him?

OK, God. I am yours. I trust You to care for me. I trust You. But I’m really messed up. Really messed up. I always crawl off the alter. I don’t know how to stay up there. But I trust you. I trust you. God, my flesh… please do something about it. Please crucify it, God.
“Alyssa, I already did.”
God, I want You to crucify my flesh.

“Alyssa, I did. I did. I did. Believe this, my dear child. I am living in You. My Spirit is inside You. It has already defeated the power of sin and death. It is stronger than anything in this entire world, as well as heaven and earth. Stay close to Me, Alyssa. I will never reject You. I will never leave you nor forsake you. I am with you. I already know you. I knit you together in your mother’s womb. I know you and I still chose you as my own. I still called you, justified, and glorified you, even though I know You, Alyssa. It is a done deal. Done. Finished. Stay close to me. As for the cross, you’re right. It does hurt a lot. I know. But, Alyssa, I am here. I love you. I’ve already been there. You’re gonna make it because I am with you. Alyssa, I have already been there and I would never want anyone I love to endure it. But I also know what’s on the other side. It’s so good, Alyssa. My resurrection, glorification, freedom from my flesh, and abiding in the presence of the Father is so incredible. Trust Me. That’s the only reason I allow you to go to the cross. It’s not to prove yourself to me. It’s not because you are a bad person. It’s not because you’re dirty and you need purging. It’s not any of these things; that’s why I had to go. You just have to follow me. But it’s so good on the other side. I want you, here. And until you get here, I will be with You, there, and that will be worth it, too. I am with You, Alyssa. I know You and I love You. And when you get here, it will be so good. I will say, ‘well done, my good and faithful servant. Come and share, compartir, in your Master’s happiness.’ And We will worship the Father, unhindered by Self. You will worship Me. Alyssa, You’ll freely worship! You’re right. The cross is painful. It’s an instrument of torture. But it’s effective. It’s one hundred percent effective. Its victims never hang there, forever. They die. And then they’re brought down. And in our case, they’re raised to new life. You’re gonna make it, Alyssa, as long as you rely on Me. You’ll finally rest. I am with You. I am with You. You will not be alone. Abide in Me. Stay close to me. I will never leave You alone. I love You. Stay close to Me. I will never leave You alone. I love You.

Why is surrender so beautiful? Why does my heart want to jump out of my throat when I hear these songs about surrendering everything to Jesus? That should be scary. Letting go usually implies something negative. But I want to do it. I can’t wait to do it, because I know the object of the surrender. I can’t wait for You to take it! I love You! Thank You for taking it! Thank You for taking me. I love You. You are so beautiful. You are doing it. You are faithful to finish what You started. You are bringing forth fruit. One day, I will stand before Your throne. Hope and expectation. That about sums it up. Thank You for hope, dear Lord. You are so good! So, so good. Thank You for giving me hope. Thank You for the reality that gives weight to the hope. Thank You for both the hope and the reality. You are so good. You are merciful. I love You. Thank You. I just can’t say it enough. Thank You. Thank You. You are good. Thank You. I love You. Thank You.