divided heart

Hi dear readers. Well, it’s been a while. Last night I was trying to explain to my grandma why I was late for dinner, and she responded, “I know, it was all of those kids you had to take care of!” I felt a bit foolish. Thankfully, I don’t take myself too seriously and was able to eat the humble pie I was served. I feel that I’m in the same place where blogging goes. Why haven’t I posted? It’s not exactly that I’ve been too busy… I don’t really have much to say. But yet I have everything to say. My head and heart are both full and empty, these days. It’s almost as if they’re too full of conflicting thoughts and emotions that I can’t articulate anything or sort any of it out. So they come across as being almost blank. The other day my dad and sister were commenting on my lack of blogging, though, and my dad said that people like unsorted thoughts… So I’ve decided to share some of mine. The following is something that I wrote (and didn't edit!) a few weeks ago, trying to sort it all out. Read with grace…

How's the transition going? First of all, it’s been amazing. I’ve just loved reconnecting with people I love. This afternoon I was over at my sister’s house. This last week she and her husband have been in Ethiopia adopting a 6 month baby girl, and I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time with their 3 little boys. Before leaving, she told me that her youngest was feeling shy towards me, which is completely understandable given that I’ve been gone for the majority of his life! Well, I made sure to prioritize plenty of special “Owie and Alyssa time” while she was in Ethiopia, and today I saw proof that I’d finally secured a place in his heart. We were in the nursery when Owen got up from his nap and wanted Mommy to get him something from downstairs. Mommy, however, was occupied with the new baby, so she could not help. I offered to go down with him, assuming that he wouldn’t want me because he’d woken up feeling very clingy, and he responded by holding up his arms for me to pick him up! And after his snack we cuddled in the chair and read a book. Life was good.

It’s also been amazing to go to church again. I’ve loved singing familiar songs during the time of musical worship. I’ve loved learning new ones in English. I’ve loved listening to my pastor preach in English. I’ve loved attending a women’s Bible study and not leading it (in English). I’ve loved being a real part of Christ’s local body, as opposed to always feeling “other” and not wanting to become too involved lest I create dependency. I’ve felt so cared for by people who approach me in the lobby and tell me that they have been praying for me these last 3 years.

However, there are also things that I don’t love a whole lot. I don’t love having to drive to get places. In Paraguay I could walk most places in Villarrica, and I took a public bus to get between cities. I miss that. Here, I have to go down to the basement and use our treadmill if I want to rebel against my increasingly sedentary lifestyle. That’s a little depressing. Neither do I love having to stay inside because it’s so cold. In Paraguay we didn’t have air conditioning or heat, so there wasn’t a huge difference between being indoors and out. And even though it was freezing in the Paraguayan winters, the sun was always out so sometimes I would go out onto my balcony in the dead of winter so I could soak in some of the warmth from the sun. I also don’t love the complexity of our lives, here. In Paraguay we had our big meal in the afternoon, and then snacky things for dinner. Also, Paraguayans only use like 10 different foods and cook them all up in different ways. If they have a tomato, carrot, green pepper, onion, garlic, beef, rice, salt, and flour, they’re set for a week. There’s not a ton of variety to their diets, and they’re fine with that. Here, though, we get tired of eating the same thing several days in a row. Everything feels like a bigger deal. I loved the simplicity of Paraguay. And I liked eating my main meal in the middle of the day. And I’m finding the price of new clothes to be quite annoying.

Way harder than those little differences, though, is the emotional confusion. I really miss Paraguay, yet I’m so glad I’m home. Furthermore, I am getting really weary of people. I absolutely love my family and have been dying to be a part of their lives. Yet I’m feeling tired at the same time. Last month my brother and his wife moved to Chicago. I was SO happy to finally be able to be a part of their lives and help them move. Yet I just wanted to be alone. I am exceedingly thankful to be home during this incredible period of my sister’s family’s life. I’m so thankful that I got to help babysit my nephews, last week, while Danielle and Karl were in Africa getting Selah. I wouldn’t have traded one second of it for anything in the world. And I’m so thankful for the freedom to spend lots of time playing aunt and sister, this next week, while Danielle adjusts to life with 4 little ones. But even though I wouldn’t trade it, at the exact same time I just want to be alone. I’m thrilled that my best friend, Sarah, only lives 2 hours away and that we’re meeting for lunch this week, yet I don’t feel like making the drive. I’m thinking about Fiona, Renee and the kids, Amy, and Carol all the time, and am missing them like crazy, yet the thought of writing is so daunting that I’ll go days without even checking my e-mail. I’ve probably checked Facebook twice in the last 2 months because it’s so overwhelming and depressing. And speaking of faltaing in my communication, both Dana and Angela have written or called, and I would genuinely love to catch up with them. But I haven’t called them back because as much as I want to see them, I just want to be alone.

So what’s it been like to be home? Wonderful, draining, and confusing. All at the same time. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything in the world, but tonight I feel tired. Yet I don’t want to miss out on anything, so I won’t say no. So I want to go over to Danielle’s tomorrow. And I want to drive to see Sarah on Tuesday. And then I want to go over to Danielle’s on Wednesday. I’m so excited that Owen’s bonding with me. I’m so glad I get to pay special attention to the older boys while so much focus is (rightly) on their new baby sister. I’m absolutely loving the fact that I’m the one who gets to help out my sister. Seriously. Loving it. But at the same time, I just want to be alone. It’s a bit confusing, really. Oh, and nobody will drink terere or mate with me.

Thank You

“How are you feeling about leaving Paraguay, Alyssa?” I’ve probably been asked this question at least 10 times in the last week. Trying to be self aware, I’ve probably asked myself the same things four times as often. The only response that comes to mind is “Thankful.” Over Christmas I got to host my beloved family in my beloved town of Villarrica. Despite having neither water nor air conditioning much of the time, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. Renee described it best by saying that when your favorite people come to this place you’ve come to love, your world is perfect for a short amount of time. I felt that. I felt honored that they’d spend the money to come down. I felt deep respect for them that they had such great attitudes despite being physically uncomfortable. I felt pride when I got to watch them laughing with my Paraguayan friends. I felt so thankful.

As soon as they left, I began packing. I felt thankful that I was able to sell, gift, or pack everything in my apartment. I felt thankful for the memories made in that place. I felt thankful that my apartment had become a refuge of sorts, for various friends. I felt thankful for the growth experienced in my small group which met weekly on the red couch and white armless arm chairs of my living room. I felt thankful for the meaningful times I’ve shared with the Lord out on my balcony. As I closed the door and locked it for the final time, I just felt thankful. As we drove out of Villarrica I wondered when I’d be back. We passed the park where I did the majority of my training for the marathon. I felt thankful.

When we arrived at the hotel, I was reminded of the beauty and tranquility of rural Paraguay. I remembered sitting at the dinner table with my family, last Christmas, and announcing that I thought Paraguayan landscape to be my favorite in the whole world. The different shades of greens from the trees that cover the rolling hills like green down blankets set against the blue sky , the birds singing and flying against the backdrop of fluffy white clouds, and the bright purples, pinks, oranges, yellows, and reds of flowers all make me sad to leave this place. The song of the birds and a gentle breeze which ruffles the leaves of the trees fill my heart with pure peace. And then the sweet, sweet company of Ana, Suely, Liz, Giselle and Laudes all make me echo Goeff Moore and the Distance who sing, “It’s good to be alive!” I felt especially thankful as we sat outside on the porch for dinner, last night, looking at the sunset, feeling the breeze, and listening to my precious 12 year olds tell me stories about themselves as little girls (in English!).

This morning the Lord woke me up before my alarm rang and invited me to spend some time alone, with Him, this last morning in El Interior (non-Asuncion). So here I sit before a huge window looking out over the hills, listening to the birds, and watching the girls sleep. I’m thinking back over these last 2 ½ years, wondering where in the world to begin, and the only words that come to mind are “Thank You.” To write out the specific things for which I am thankful feel shallow, because words cannot begin to describe God’s goodness to me over these last years. Yet I feel compelled to do it anyway, despite my absolute inability to so.

Thank You, Lord, for bringing me 5000 from home in order to draw me to Yourself. Thank You for settling me in Villarrica, against my wishes, where I could discover my love of teaching and share life with these amazing young women. Thank You for placing me on this SIM team with the Stirlings, Givens, Stouts, McKissicks, Floyds, Houghs, Stirlings, Givens, Gilliams, Camerons, Elliots, Dreilings, Terhaars, Fiona, Cherlynn, Gina, and Kait. Thank You for quieting me. Thank You for helping me run the Buenos Aires marathon. Thank You for all who came down to visit me- Hope, my family, Carol, the Breuers, Adam, Mel, and Diane. Thank You for the faithfulness of my supporters and churches. Thank You for giving me the opportunity to write. Thank You for calling me to prepare for grad school and encouraging me to read. Thank You for the written word that allows us to draw life from those who have lived before us. Thank You for Augustine and Thomas Merton. Thank You so much for Fiona, Lord, and the plans You have for her. Thank You for la Iglesia Biblica de Villarrica, and Centro Educativo Internacional. Thank You for providing Internet in my apartment. Thank You for Skype. Thank You for Eric. Thank You so much for Eric. Thank You for fresh fruit juice and fresh fruit, in general. Thank You for the cool breezes and the sweet birds. Thank You for my electric blanket, hair dryer, and electric space heater. Thank You for ice and terere. Thank You for this precious 7th grader who just called to me, “Hi Teacher,” from her top bunk. Thank You for nail polish. Thank You for cameras. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You for loving me and calling me to Yourself. Thank You for Paraguay. And now, thank You for calling me home.