Turkey 2

Today I had dinner with one of the girls who sells the valentine cards. I am so ashamed. I know this isn’t a good place to make public confessions, but neither is it a good place to make public fun of people, which I did in my last entry, so I’m out of good options. I just feel sick. Over the last number of months, I’ve trained myself to avoid eye contact with beggars and kids trying to sell things on the streets and buses, because when you look at them they assume you want something. So I just don’t look at them, anymore. Jesus wouldn’t do that. I hate the way they swarm you when they think you’ll give them something. Crowds gathered around Jesus because He healed their sick and filled their stomachs. “And when he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd” (Matt 9:36). I have in no way been acting like Jesus. I haven’t just been mean, I’ve treated them like they weren’t people, like they didn’t even exist. That’s so unJesus.

So this afternoon I made cupcakes and went down to a corner where the kids get on and off of the busses. I was planning to treat them like human beings and pay a few of them to practice Spanish with me. On the way, a raggedy girl approached me and started begging. My first reaction was to ignore her. Then I remembered Jesus and I looked into her eyes (while still saying no). But then I remembered that I was on my way to hang out with beggar kids and moments before asked the Lord to direct me to the right ones. She said she was so hungry and wanted money for dinner. So I asked her what she felt like eating. We were outside a mall, so I directed her inside up to the food court. She got a hamburger and fries. I got a pizza. I’m not used to seeing people eat that fast. Looking at her skinny arms I couldn’t eat much of my pizza. She took the leftovers home to her pregnant mom and 5 siblings. She told me all about the cards. She buys 30 of them in the morning for 3 mil. She sells them for 1 mil a piece, so she ends up making 27 mil for the day (just under $5). Her mom uses the money to buy milk for the baby.

It didn’t take long for her face to transform into that of a child. She turned into a little girl, again. Her eyes became lighter and wider. She smiled. She was really cute. She told me about her family and her favorite subjects in school. She told me which soccer team she likes. She’s only 12. I told her I was a missionary. She didn’t know what that was. I told her God had sent me to tell her that He loved her. We walked around the mall for a while. She got some pineapple juice.

When we got back outside it was dark. The busses aren’t safe at night. It’s one of the first rules; never take the busses at night. I still had enough money for a taxi. Before we parted ways, she hugged me and said thank you. People never hug in Paraguay. There was a creepy guy hanging around. I was so freaked out that I was just concentrating on getting safely to the taxi stand that I forgot about her, for a minute. Before getting into the taxi, I looked back to make sure the guy wasn’t bothering her, but she had already left. She was going to take the bus. I consoled myself by telling myself that she wasn’t a target, like they say I am. Well, she wasn’t a target for robbery, that is. My stomach turns when I consider how vulnerable a desperate, degraded 12 year old girl really is. I just feel awful.

And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment… Whatsoever you do for the least of these, you do for Me… And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Father, forgive me. Forgive me for intentionally hardening my heart. Forgive me for ignoring the poor. Forgive me for treating them as if they were subhuman. Forgive me for scorning them in my heart, and then for publicly making fun of them in my last blog. Forgive me for forgetting why I’m on this earth. Forgive me for taking Your family name in vain. Forgive me for refusing a glass of cold water. I have not loved. I have not reflected Jesus. And God, keep her safe, tonight.